Accessories

Raising Adopted Children, Revised Edition: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent
It is a good book but not really what I needed. It is geared mostly towards infant adoption, both internationally and domestically.

Practical Advice
Good practical advice to set teh worried adoptive parent at eae about a lot of things.

Worth skimming not reading
Deep into the adoption process we are hungry for information on what our adventure in child-rearing will be like because of going with an adopted child. If you are in that position this book is worth skimming but not worth reading. It is a very dry book which would work better as a website where key topics are identified and you can skip to the parts of interest to you. Or rewrite it as a simple list of topics with 2 sentences under each ("oh I wonder how my adopted kids will react to X").

Reading this book from cover to cover, on the other hand, will leave you feeling like every aspect of life is a potential threat to the mental health of your child. It took all my strength not to throw the book in the trash when the authors talked about the issues the adopted child might have dealing with seeing the baby Jesus at Christmas time. There is a point where simply outlining every possible source of stress may not be helpful. This book likely reaches that point. It's not that these things can't possibly be stressful but it feels like this book may be giving equal weight to every possibility. In many cases it feels like what is being shared are merely anecdotes which feel as solid as if a coworker said, "I heard on the internet that...."

The book is probably good to have around during stressful times when you might want to find, in writing, proof that others have had these issues, too. And for that reason I can't be too critical of the book. It's reference pages also are very good. But this is a text not a book- a collection of thoughts rather than a well thought out guide for parents.

A MUST READ
As an adoption specialist for 20 years, I always recommend reading this book before, during and after adoption. Not everything applies to everyone, but on a whole, it gives the best and most accurate information about the adoption process. Just like any "manual" on how to do something, there are parts that won't be for you or about you. Take what you can from the book. Keep it on your nightstand and in years to come you will want to refer to it. I call it the "Dr. Spock of Adoption". Not every scenario about adoptive children will happen to your child, but when one does, you will be more prepared. She must discuss all the potential issues. There have been many books written since Lois wrote that book, but it is still one of the best. Make it part of your adoption library, along with some others.

The more things change
Be fair. Social conventions have changed markedly in the 20-plus years since this book was first published. So it's natural that the author would not have written all her chapters in quite the same voice she might have used in a new book, issued in 2008.

Despite its age and shortcomings, however, this book has numerous useful sections from which adoptive parents (and ultimately, their children) can benefit.

The chapter on Attachment, for example, is quite interesting and helpful--particularly considering the medical community's lack of awareness on attachment disorder, which frequently affects adopted children. As noted here, "both learning disabilities and conduct disorders can be signs of an unattached child," as can short attention span and poor impulse control. To this day, many psychologists are unaware of these basic facts. This book can help bring them up to speed.

Another beneficial chapter is "Talking with Children About Adoption." Citing adoption expert Betty Jean Lifton, the book notes, "instead of worrying about the right time to start talking about adoption, parents should be concerned about setting the right tone." Allow the adopted child to express his or her doubts, fears, questions and fantasies. Sympathize, listen, let the child express their grief, and redirect their fantasies when they are completely off track.

If the child thinks their birth parent lived in a castle and rejected them for their looks, obviously they need more information about the true circumstances. Parents can say, (for example) "We don't know much. But we do know your birth parents were young, and could not keep you safe."

There are also excellent details about medical histories, and what to do in the cases of suspected mental or genetic disorders in the biological families. These problems can be detected, and treated.